Some rambling thoughts.

So I'm taking this writing class on coursera.org. I've come to realize I'm probably not as good of a writer as I like to think I am. My writing abilities are something I've always taken pride in, and now that the pride in those abilities is shaken I don't really know what to do.

Once again, the lack of gainful employment is leaving me in doubt about my worth in this world. Gotta love those mini life-crises...

Humpf. If Ax was here I probably wouldn't feel so shitty about it all. But he's not, so I just gotta pick myself up and carry on. I will allow this as a pity party day. What I will not allow is emotional eating. I can have all the tea I want, but there will be NO emotional eating. Not even allowing vegetables for emotional eating. I HAVE to break that habit.

On an unrelated note:

I can't believe it's almost April. Where has March gone? In fact, where did 2012 and the beginning of 2013 go?? Dear time, please slow down. I'm trying to keep up but you're moving faster than I am!

I kind of fell off the diet/exercise bandwagon. Today, as mentioned, is my pity party. Tomorrow I will get back to my calorie counting / primal diet habits and do some kind of workout. I haven't really gained any weight but I do feel sluggish and sad more than when I was working out every other day.

The FRG meeting last night was interesting. It was my first meeting, so I didn't really know what to expect. I signed up for the homecoming committee...I would have volunteered to be the head of the committee but I feel like I'm not quite qualified since this will be my first homecoming. We'll see what happens, I suppose. I added a few of the women on facebook. Now maybe I can actually make some friends instead of just seeing them at events and meetings.

April's meeting has a make it / bake it / fake it thing, which is an auction of sorts. I'm trying to decide what to make. I have just about a month to put something together. Hmmmmmmm.


With that, now I'm gonna go make tea and watch cartoons. Because I'm mature like that. Yep. Simon will continue to whine that he's not allowed out while it's raining.

I'm just too far, from where you are...

Hmm...where to begin today.

Well, Ax called again this morning and wanted to know if we could have a "wedding" when we go back to WI for the holidays. It's starting to creep me out how much we're thinking alike while he's gone. First similar dreams, now this? What on earth is deployment doing to us? haha. :)

So I spent a lot of today on theknot.com looking at stuff. My problem right now is I have TOO MANY ideas! I have settled on colors: navy blue (ish, I don't want true Navy blue!) and champagne. I wanted to stay away from the "traditional" reds and greens that come with winter weddings. I also didn't want to go too loud with the colors, hence the navy blue -- it's still "appropriate" for the season without being too christmasy. 

Ax's sister is helping me compile a guest list for their mom's side of the family. With Italians, there's going to be A LOT--there's several I haven't met and I don't want them to feel left out. Even if they can't make it, at least they were invited. My mom is helping with my family, and I know most of Ax's dad's side already so that's pretty easy. When Ax calls next we need to hash out the date. Right now I picked 12/28 but to be honest I have no idea what day of the week that is. ha. 

Outside of that, I'm still working on Ax's anchor quilt. Simon and I do a few blocks each night while we watch Netflix (currently going through American Dad, already did all of South Park and Family Guy). Simon and I went for a four-mile walk just a little bit ago, he's finally, FINALLY pooped out and laying down in his crate. 

I have a job interview tomorrow! I am excited at the possibility of getting back into the workforce. Right now I'm doing my nails so they look nice for tomorrow--green, of course, for st. paddy's day! 

I'm also incredibly disappointed that they're getting rid of Google Reader. Whyyyyyyyyy? I love my Reader! It's how I visit everyone's blog at once! hnnn. Guess I'll start looking at alternatives...sigh.

And with that, off to finish my nails. Then perhaps relax with a small drankkk for the holiday. :)

A quiet Sunday...

This diet thing is proving much harder than I anticipated. The first week I focused on meeting my caloric intake goals. That in and of itself wasn't too hard. The LoseIt! app has a barcode scanner so adding to my food diary is super easy. It had an update the other day and part of it included a little pie graph of proteins/carbs/fats for each day. I eat WAY, WAY too many carbs and not nearly enough protein.

The next step in this journey is to bump up the protein intake while lowering the carbs. The fats are kind of steady and aren't overwhelming the protein intake in the pie graphs. I think I'm doing okay there, so for now I'm not going to worry about them. Protein, though...yeesh. Definitely need to work on eating more protein!!

On top of the diet, I'm upping my workouts as well. I TRIED to use a couple videos I found on youtube, but of course they have to buffer for what seems like hours before I can play them on the PS3/tv. Almost isn't even worth it. So instead I'll keep doing the 30 day shred program and then add in more outside exercise--I've considered doing Couch 2 5K, but I think I need to find a better pair of running shoes. My current pair are pretty old and ratty--I can barely even do the 30 day shred workouts in them because the treads are nearly gone and there's not much support for my feets left. In fact, the only muscles that are painfully sore the day after are the muscles in my feet/ankle areas.

For now Simon and I will take either longer walks or go for more walks each day. I'm going to drink more water (with lemon, om nom), find a way to eat more protein and veggies (cheap calories but super filling), and start doing my shredding every day instead of every other day. I eased myself into the program, now it's time to actually put all of my effort into each workout.

I still need to find a scale. The walmart here didn't have a single one. I searched the ENTIRE store! wtf. So either Kmart or Amazon is the next place to look.

I did have a cheat day yesterday as some of the FRG girls and I went to dinner at a local joint called Sharkbite. I allowed it because 1) I needed some social interaction and 2) I hardly ever go out to eat, period--even before the diet! I tried to make some halfway decent choices but I'm sure it failed miserably. Sharkbite isn't the healthiest place on earth. :P

Still waiting to hear back about some jobs I applied for....I think that will help me control my eating habits when I get a job. Sometimes I eat when I'm bored or sad--I've been trying to drink water (or a capri sun, they're only 35 calories per pouch) instead of eating but I'm sure you can relate to how well that's been working...lol

So now I'm going to get some water and some lemon juice to squeeze in, and maybe read a book. I'm not really sure. I don't want to squander the beautiful day but Simon and I already had an hour-long walk today. He's pretty pooped out! So maybe some "sunbathing" in the yard is just what we need.

Project planning!

Oh man, a back-to-back update! Holy sheeit man!

I applied for a couple jobs today. There's only one I really expect to hear back from, and even that is only because I got the impression that they had very few people apply. We'll see what happens, I guess.  A part-time job in the city we live in would be PERFECT. It's not too far of a drive (so gas won't be an issue), I could finally contribute to my little family, and I'd still have time with Ax once he's home from deployment.

After job-hunting, I spent entirely too much money at the commissary. I got hungry halfway through shopping and brought home a bunch of crap I really didn't need. In theory that means next week will be cheaper since I've already stocked up on some stuff. I guess in the end it all balances out.

I ordered some more fabric today! Two scrap baggies and a charm pack of baby motifs for Ax's cousin who is having a baby in October. I figure it'd make a good christmas gift for her and the baby. Then I set to work on organizing the charm packs I've already got...I have one charm pack that is black/white/gray. I'm gonna make a lap size quilt with it and frame the blocks with some bright red to really make it pop. I'm not sure if I'm going to sell it or give it as a gift. Shit, I just gotta put it together before I can figure out what to do with it!

Both my sister-in-law and my half-sister-in-law are getting lap quilts for christmas as well. I've picked out a pattern for each girl, and I'm going to start gathering the fabrics I'll need slowly but surely. I figure that in order to have them done for christmas I'm going to need everything gathered by June, since I hand-quilt my blankets.

Ax's big anchor quilt is coming along slowly but surely. I do a couple blocks every night. Right now it's just a quarter-block, with the stitching about a quarter-inch from each seam. I haven't decided if I'm going to do more with it after that or not.

On a different note, if you ever get a chance to read the Reacher series by Lee Child, DO IT. I finished the first one, Killing Floor, this morning. It was awesome! He uses the word "nosed" too much in reference to cars pulling out of a parking lot or off a street, but otherwise I think he's an excellent writer.

I was naughty with my diet and exercise today--it was supposed to be a shred day, and I didn't do it. Then I ate way over my allowed calories for the day. Shame on me! Tomorrow I'll do a shred and maybe another workout from youtube or something. I'm supposed to go to dinner with the FRG at a local place called Sharkbite, so we'll see what I can order there that's reasonably healthy. I expect to have an off day every once in a while...no sense in getting upset about it.

Now I'm gonna go fill in today's happenings in the little deployment journal I've started while Ax is gone, then grab a new book to read and go to bed. I haven't been sleeping well the last couple nights, so reading is a good way to "rest" without being bored out of my skull when I can't sleep.

My baby loves me just the way that I am.

Nothing like blogging and looking at quilty stuff with a nice hot mug of English Breakfast tea. om nom.

So the diet thing is going pretty well. I've been looking for a multivitamin that isn't as big as my dog's paw, and the nice guy at GNC found a liquid one for me. Next paycheck I'll have to stop in for it. The gummy vitamins hurt my jaw (TMJ), so perhaps this liquid will work. From what I read you can mix it into water or milk or just drink the capful plain.

I'm using LoseIt to track my food intake; I am SO deprived of protein it's almost sickening. Gonna have to think up more protein snacks. I already have a freezer full of chicken, but chicken gets boring. I don't really enjoy red meat either. And fish has an awful texture I can't get over. Perhaps some nuts? I'll have to google.

"Our" song comes on the radio here at random and I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, I love it--the country station in Milwaukee almost never played it. On the other, it just makes me miss Ax so much more than I already do. There is a very precious memory attached to this song and often times when I hear it, it makes me long for those days before all this military business.  (In case you were wondering, the song is "Would You Go With Me" by Josh Turner.)

On the job-hunting front, I've found a couple things to apply for. I think the trick to not getting discouraged is to only do the hunting every other day, or every two days. That way I trick my brain into thinking I haven't seen all the listings before, and I look at them with fresh eyes. That said, I have several applications sent in and a few resumes to drop off or fax tomorrow while I'm out. I'm hoping to get something local instead of having to drive to JAX...crossing my fingers! I'd really love the library position I applied for, but my hopes aren't too high on that one. I'm sure they have a lot of people applying for it.

We've gotten a couple calls from Ax the last few days! He called from the boat one day, and this morning I got a call before they were going out drinking. They've moved onto the boat but they're still doing work before pulling out of port. At the rate he's going, he'll still be sunburned when he gets back home. Sigh. He's been busy but he seems to be enjoying himself. I suppose if I went to school for an entire year for something, I'd be enjoying actually doing something related to that job as well, instead of standing around doing duty days or exploring a tiny tiny island in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere.

When he called this morning I told him about a dream I had: we were married, just like now. I don't recall if he was in the Navy or not, but anyway...he cheated on me with a girl we had met at a party. The girl felt bad and eventually came clean. I flipped my shit entirely. I was angry. I remember how angry I was--I woke myself up a little grinding my teeth!--and then she told me that she wasn't the only one. There were 18 other girls he cheated on me with in the span of two years. Then I really got pissed. I said something about how they were both lucky I didn't have a firearm--Ax would have been dead and I would have shot out her knee for hooking up with him in the first place. And then I woke up.

The whole thing is silly because Ax has said many times he has no skills with women. Considering i did most of the work to get our relationship moving, this does not surprise me.

What makes it weird is that Ax had a similar dream last night (well, last time he slept. they're half a day ahead of us)! Only he walked in on me in bed with another dude. I apparently crawled back and begged for forgiveness. He woke up feeling really sad. :(

No one warned me about the weird dreams that are had during deployments! That is the first time we've had similar dreams, and we spent a couple minutes when he called today reassuring ourselves that our marriage is fine and that we're completely loyal and faithful. I think after how real both of the dreams were that we needed that reassurance. Especially since we're so far apart right now.

Interestingly, time is simultaneously flying by and crawling. I can't believe we'll be entering the second week of March in a few days!

Time to go look at more quilting stuff. I wish I could win the lottery so I could have a huge fabric stash...haha.

Taxes, doggie snores, and diets

I try not to be judgmental. I really do! I used to judge every single little thing back in high school and early college. As I grew and made new kinds of friends I learned not to judge nearly as often as I once did.

That said, I am just at a loss for words in regards to one of Ax's family members. His cousin got pregnant with a boyfriend she's had for just under four months. She does not practice safe sex in the least, so quite frankly I'm surprised it took this long. Ax was...ah, less than pleased, shall we say? This cousin is pretty close in age to us, so while it's not insane for her to be pregnant, she is not quite in a mental or emotional state to be having a baby. As far as I'm concerned anyway.

As if that wasn't enough, now she's marrying the baby daddy. How can you know after four months that your boyfriend is the one you want for life? I can't talk about that much--I mean, I did know Ax was "the one" after about 6 months, but I knew him for a while beforehand--but still.

I just worry for the welfare of this baby. Flying Spaghetti Monster help it, whichever gender it may end up being. I am also glad we're not going to the wedding, since it's during this deployment. Christmas is gonna be interesting though...

Unrelated, I've been busting my (metaphorical) balls trying to find a job. While I love spending time with my dog, reading, quilting, and whatnots....I wish I had more of a "purpose". I've put in a couple applications so now I just get to wait I guess. Sigh.

I've gotten a couple calls from Ax so far which is nice. He's sunburnt as all get-out...so I have the odd feeling that when he comes back in a few months instead of being pale as a ghost he'll be back to his normal color. LOL. He'd probably be the only one, too. Other guys have probably listened to their wives about using sunscreen....just sayin'. ;)

I'm going to get back to the 30 day shred tomorrow. Shark week kicked in today and I just felt so shitty, like I do every first day of shark week. Simon and I had a nice stroll, we took a nap, played in the yard...just kinda took it easy. I am sticking to the diet part pretty well though. I'm really only cutting out junk food and soda, and giving myself a calorie limit via the Lose It app on android. Next paycheck I'm getting a food scale and a body scale. I haven't officially weighed myself, and I think the food scale will help get the portions more accurate. For stuff that's measured in grams I just kinda eyeball it and I'm probably still overeating in the calorie department.

Today I got our state taxes done at the NEX, and the lady was nice enough to check our federal stuff too. We're getting more money back! It may be...what's a good word...deceiving, but I'm going to stash some of it away without telling Ax. Quite frankly, we have crap for savings and putting a chunk into a savings account will give us a good start. Ax tends to spend impulsively and then we end up broke between paychecks. Our state refund will get us some new end tables after Simon's frat-boy antics a couple weeks ago.

And with that, I'm gonna go make some tea, watch the dog woof in his sleep, and maybe read some of my book.

Day 1 of new me

So I still ate a shitty breakfast...gave it a few hours and then attempted the first day of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.

Holy crap. I did not realize how out of shape I truly was until I tried 20 solid minutes of exercise. I am in awful, awful shape. I managed to do about 15 minutes, I think. And the 5 minutes that I was just dying, I managed to do some part of the exercise--so if it was jump roping, I'd just do the arm movements, for example. It didn't help that Simon thought me derping around meant playtime and I almost crushed his paws

I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that. I felt pretty crappy yesterday, so there may be some residual "ick" feeling impacting me as well.

That said, I will try again Monday. My knees are pretty awful (genetically speaking) and a day of rest will help me accomplish more on Monday.

I sound like I'm making excuses. I probably am. I'll just continue to stick a cold water bottle between my tater tots (ha) to cool down and write.


Unrelated, my mom is trying to "help" me find a job. Too bad she's named everything I've applied to and never heard back from. They're struggling too, but they're still making more money than Ax and I am. I'm very grateful they're paying my loans, don't get me wrong. My mom just manages to say things in the worst possible way to make me feel like utter crap. I'm busting my ass trying to find a job, even a part-time one, and have come up with zero. I did apply for a library clerk position but who knows how long it'll be until I hear back. I also applied for some other stuff through the GA department of labor...so I guess now I sit and wait.

Today I get to do chores, whoopie. It's pretty chilly out for us today, with a wind advisory and whatnot. Simon will be disappointed that he doesn't get to sniff out the open window. haha.

Feeling Discouraged.

I've done at least 10 hours per week of job hunting since we got here in October. I landed ONE job that lasted precisely ONE week before they decided they had asked for the wrong skill set and I was let go.

(Honestly, I think they were discriminating against me based on my religion. Some pieces to that puzzle fit, however, there's no way I'll ever be able to prove it.)

There's lots of jobs between here and Jacksonville. A lot! Too bad for me they're nearly ALL in the medical field. Something I'm not remotely qualified in nor could I BS my way through.

I'm quite honestly running out of stuff to apply for. I've resorted to applying to minimum-wage jobs like CVS and Dollar General...just to have SOME kind of second income in the house. I'm probably stupidly over qualified for them, but I need something to do. I love reading, sewing, blogging, and baking, but I need some human interaction once in a while. Even if interacting with strangers usually leaves me frustrated and grumpy.

Every other day I open my folder of job hunting sites and flip through the pages, looking for something...ANYTHING...to apply for. Out of the 10 hours per week, I'd say I actually find something to apply for maybe once per hour. And after I read through the job description more thoroughly, some of THOSE get tossed too.

It's just frustrating to want to contribute financially to my household and not be able to.

The only ideas I've come up with are freelance work for writing or data entry, sewing commissions, dog walking/care, Amazon's MTurk and tutoring online. And even then, I'm not sure if any of those will actually produce anything other than disappointment. I made about 15 dollars so far with MTurk, but the hits are few and far between that are worth my time.

Sigh. At least it's gorgeous outside today...even though I finally broke down and turn the central air on. The breeze is great, but unfortunately the wind is coming from the wrong direction to have open windows be useful. :P

Of duty stations, pets, and life.

I told you I was bad at this blogging thing....So much for that.

I guess I may as well catch up on what's happened since the last post. Ax got assigned Kings Bay! We moved after he was done with A school, and it took us three days to drive down here. Aside from the EPIC AMOUNT OF RAIN, it wasn't a bad drive. Oh, and the parking ticket in Nashville because SOMEONE didn't listen to me when I said he parked in the wrong space. /facepalm

It took us a week to find a house and move in, but the hotel we stayed at for that week was super nice. We have a 3-bed, 2-bath ranch-style house. Neither of us like the ranch design, but it's surprisingly cozy and functional for us right now. Gorgeous hardwood floors...which quite frankly was why I wanted this house in the first place. Ha. Shortly after arriving here, we adopted a dog from the local shelter. His name is Simon, and he's a boxer/pit mix. Or at least, I think he's part pit. No one really knows. His birthday is coming up in March, and he'll be a year old. How crazy of a life he must have led for that first year--being born and abandoned, wandering around as a stray, staying in a shelter, and now hogging up my couch and farting like an old man. (Seriously, I have never heard a dog audibly fart until we got him. WTF?) Simon is an absolute joy, though. He's so loving and goofy--part of the boxer in him. He LOVES car rides and meeting new people and dogs. Tennis balls are like the greatest thing in the world to him--after his kibbles. haha.

I haven't found a job unfortunately, so money is tight. But we're managing for now. So far so good, I guess. It helps that stuff is much cheaper in GA than in WI. Gas is about the same, though, which I find a bit odd. Meh. I don't drive as often as I used to--maybe two or three times a week instead of 5 days a week. That isn't to say I haven't been looking for a job--I've signed up with every damned temp and personnel agency I can find, there really just isn't much for me here right now. It can change, though.

So instead I've spent my time reading, playing with Simon, taking care of the house, and tinkering with the sewing machine Ax bought me for christmas. I'm also taking free classes on coursera! A cryptology class, a world history class, and a personal finance class. Speaking of, I have three more sections of cryptology to get through today after I do dishes and walk the dog. Next post I'll put up a picture of Simon. He's my sweet boy. <3

Musings on the future career of a Navy Wife

Some of the blogs I follow also guest post on SpouseBuzz, so now I'm email subscribed to that too. How I'll ever keep up with all this reading I'll never know--actually, I do. The four hours of work three days a week in which I do nothing but answer the phone once in a while. Getting paid to read blogs is no different than getting paid to read a book. Or color, because I did that for a while too. Seriously, my job is boring--but I am extremely grateful to have one.

This article/blurb kind of struck a nerve with me. Not because it was poorly written or because it attacked anybody. But because I don't have a job that is an interest or passion of mine. I mean, I CAN have a job like that one day, but therein lies the rub.

( I honestly have no idea what is meant by "there's the rub", but I read it in a book and it sounded cool. Feel free to correct my usage!)

I have a degree in Criminal Justice from what is probably one of the worst universities in the union. The graduation rate for Parkside was something like 35%--because people either used it as a launchpad for the university they really wanted to go to, or because they failed out and never came back. My opinions on the closing of the university is an entire post in and of itself, however, suffice it to say that this piss-poor graduation rate doesn't help its case any.

I have several interests and or passions:

- paralegal (interest)
- dogs (interest AND passion)
- books (interest AND passion)
- helping veterans (interest, maybe passion?)

So far the only interest or passion my current job comes close to is the helping of veterans. The floor I work on houses the CVSO and an "assistant" (although the "assistant" has been here longer than the CVSO!). Greeting vets, telling them about my husband, asking about their service (which branch, any particular wars, etc), and getting them bus tickets to the VA center in Milwaukee is extremely rewarding. If Ax wasn't in the military maybe I'd not be so interested in helping veterans. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy helping others and solving problems, but without being placed in this particular situation with Ax, maybe it wouldn't mean as much to help them. Especially the homeless ones, which honestly breaks my heart every damn time.

With my CJ education (which is mostly a laughable joke at best) and strong clerical skills, paralegal would be an excellent choice of career for the rest of my working life. Problem is, I'd have to go back to school to be certified. I am so burnt out from school, papers, exams, lessons, etc. that the thought almost makes me sick.
I considered grad school for library science, but my grades are so godawful that I doubt anyone would accept me into a Master's program. I suppose for now, volunteering in a library would have to do. Forking over more money for a Master's doesn't exactly leave a good taste in my mouth either, haha.

That leaves dogs. I've watched the animal cops shows on Animal Planet, and while I would LOVE to do that...my cat allergies are too bad to go into hoarder situations. With the reactions my body has to cats, there is no possible way for me to just "work around it". If I worked in a shelter, I'd probably come home with a dog every week and then Ax would have no place to sleep when he'd have shore duty or leave. LOL

So I guess my choices for a career are paralegal or figure out how to get into the VA industry to help vets with paperwork, applications, and whatnots. Paralegal sounds like more money in the bank, but a job with the VA means helping more people. I decided that I'm getting paralegal certification no matter what I end up doing, because I can't go the rest of my life without learning. I'm just too burned out right now to get back into it. Maybe this time next year I can start some classes or something--I'll need stuff to keep me busy when Ax is playing in the ocean in his tin can. :P


Until something else comes along, I'll just keep pokin' around at work helping whoever I can, and when the local Greyhound rescue gets a haul of retired racers, I'll head down to the kennel and welcome some adorable gentle giants to a new home. Hopefully I can help find them some forever homes too. :)